We were late for Raven’s gymnastics class. Again. Jeff usually takes her but today was my day off but I slept in. Felt like I deserved it, too, having to wake up rather early on most days. We would’ve made it on time but, you know, between feeding her and making myself look human, before you know it, you’re on a marathon you didn’t even sign up for.
I should’ve woken up earlier, I told myself in the car. How do other moms do it? Maybe I should start putting Raven to bed at 7:00 like the rest of the other moms do (which I only found out two days ago when the topic of sleep came up with my work buddies). How come I didn’t get the memo? I need to step up with this whole mom thing.
I felt like a bad mom, to be honest. Not in a punitive way, but lately it seems as if there are all these “guidelines” popping up and I am left blindsided by it all.
All I want is for my kid to be happy but somehow it feels like there are rules for that, too. Rules I was not made aware of. I really need to find the time to read Boundaries with Kids one mom so passionately recommended. I already have the book. I just need the motivation to pick it up over the more interesting fiction ones like The Help, which I am reading at the moment. (Definitely better than the movie. As always.) And while I’m at it, I need to work on my social skills too. Maybe join a Mother’s Club or Toastmasters Club or something. Lead by example, as they say.
There’s nothing wrong with Raven. She’s fine. I think it’s me. I’m too much of a fucking hermit. Sometimes I feel like this whole motherhood gig isn’t for me. That I should’ve been a man. But a gay one at that because I love makeup and dressing up. Heck, be a drag queen, even, and just be fabulous at it.
So I arrived at her gymnastics class already dressed up for the lunch date with Rosie later. A no-brainer outfit as I only had 3 seconds left to dash out the door. Didn’t even bother to comb my hair, which shows. Whatever.
To compound my motherhood issues, there I was watching Raven not following her instructors’ instructions. She was just all over the place, wanting to do her own thing at her own time. I tried coaching her, enticing her with stories of Bella, The Brave Fairy when she was scared to swing on the higher beams, anything to get her to do the circuits.
She just wanted to jump on the trampoline, swing on the lower bars, and twirl on the rings as I watched in amazement how pretty her dress skirt flowed around with her movement.
“You can’t get all kids to do everything,” the instructor told me when I voiced my concern. She was really nice. “They have their favorite routines.”
Bless her heart. I was this close to cancelling Raven’s lessons.
Took Raven to the library for Story Time after. Two of her friends from child care were there, as well as their moms. I got to chatting with them and they were real lovely. I could definitely see us doing playgroups together and was ecstatic when one mom brought it up. I know they’re working moms, too, so we’ll see how that pans out.
Oh, and the other mom said her daughter sleeps around 10pm as well so that was quite a relief for me to hear. Maybe if I stop listening to everything and everyone my mental health wouldn’t be at such a high risk.
Maybe being a hermit has its own perks, too. Sanity, being one of them.
So, anyway, I met up with Rosie at Hallam Hotel for lunch. Her 72nd birthday was last week but she was flat out busy celebrating her special day the whole week with her friends. She booked me in for today. I grabbed the opportunity to show her how much I love and appreciate her even though I suck at catching up as often as I should.
She ordered grilled fish with salad. I had lemon pepper calamari while being grilled on the side as to when Baby #2 is coming. I’m telling you, that woman is relentless when it comes to that topic! She’s not wrong, though. I mean, I agree with her. 100%, bro!
In theory, Raven needs a sibling so she won’t be too lonely when I die. But in practice, there’s a lot of things to consider.
“Don’t worry too much about career or money.” Something she had been telling me for ages now. “Focus on the positive. Do it for Raven. Think about it but don’t think too long.”
I told her I will. Think about it, I mean. That much I can promise her, at least. I felt like if I didn’t, we’d be stuck there in our table until kingdom come. The servers had all pretty much cleared our dishes.
The irony of it all. Started the day doubting myself as a mom. Ended it with somebody telling me I should have more.
Going back to being a hermit now.
*Raven at 3 years old