a constellation of stars

unless you’re the one driving then that’s a total bummer, it’s the kind of scenery you daydream to when on road trips — the vast expanse of fields that seem to go on and on to kiss the sky hello while the clouds chase each other in an endless game of catch.

it’s also the kind of scenery that puts me in too deep an introspection it fucking induces borderline depression. the bipolar kind.

you know, the kind where you’re so happy you could die?

the drive back home where everything was a silhouette of its daytime shapes and glory was the worst for me. i remember sitting there and just feeling, and i mean literally feeling, the universe and its relation to time.

everyone i love and truly, deeply care about were in that rental van. my whole entire world right there, quiet and tired from the day trip to see rock formations while my brain was a flurry of activity and emotions and this sudden need to understand mortality because life just wouldn’t be the same without them.

they could lose me, or i could lose them. the former, i don’t care too much about. it’s the latter that gets to me the most.

and then i kind of had an epiphany. and i’m sorry if i can’t explain it without sounding like i’m high off the accumulated caffeine in all the cups of green tea i have had in my life but even if i can, i reckon it’s the kind of realization that will only hit you when you’re most ready and most receptive to it. i don’t mean that like i’m bragging i’ve reached freaking nirvana or something but at the time, it actually all made sense. you know, like everything just sort of… clicked.

and as far as i’m concerned, the truth is, we carry our loved ones in our hearts. they will ALWAYS be with us.

geographical location is irrelevant. you can be anywhere in the world but the fact of the matter is, they’re all around you. they are in the wind that grazes your cheek; or in the leaves dancing to the sound of the breeze. they are in every aspect of nature if you just learn to close your eyes and see.

you know what i mean?

i thought of raven then too and the fact that i might have to leave her someday but in my heart of hearts, i know i never will.

so, maybe that’s what my parents feel about us too. just as their parents felt it before them. and so on and so forth that in the grand scheme of things, we’re all dots connected to each other.

a family is a constellation of stars: criss-crossing heaven and earth and back again to send each other their love.

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