he worries that i haven’t been blogging lately. i tell him i have nothing to write. he counters that i have heaps of blogging material just waiting to see the light of day, starting with the world food festival at dandy market a couple of weeks ago.
i make an attempt of a flimsy excuse: i have nothing to say about it.
“yes, you do,” he insists.
so here i am trying — and failing — to blog about something of value. even if that value only applies to me and my so-called standards. it’s one of those dead days, i guess. and no, i’m not blaming my hormones this time. it is what it is.
yesterday, after visiting a dear friend, i realized how important it is to have a hobby. especially when you’re old and gray. most especially at that stage in your life, if you ever find yourself (un)lucky enough to get there. because by then, most of your friends are either dead or dying. the few ones who are still alive are busy looking after their grandchildren. social get-togethers are few and far between.
and so you’re stuck with yourself, pretty much. and with nothing to do and nowhere to be, loneliness creeps in and you’re left holding on to people you shouldn’t be holding on to simply because you’re scared of being alone. even if you still feel alone anyway. which is probably the next worse feeling in the world after loneliness.
and being introverted has its own ultimate perks too since you don’t need other people to energize your spirit. you’re happy in your own company.
i tell myself i’m lucky to have writing as an outlet, considering my scarce talents, if at all. but right now, i don’t think i’m doing a very good job at maintaining it. well, not this blog anyway. there’s just too many internal issues. and then there’s me holding myself back simply because i don’t have the courage to bare my soul. even if i could, i wouldn’t even think of going there. so that, in itself, is a non-issue. a contradiction to a contradiction.
this is me mindlessly typing away whatever shit comes to mind. hoping to dust off the cobwebs clinging to the neurons in my brain. hoping to awaken that sleeping part of me.
i think i want ice cream.