if you notice me getting fat, shut up and silently blame jeff.

he lied. BIG TIME.

when he asked me to move in with him 3 years ago, i told him i won’t. on account that i can’t cook and i thought it would be unfair to move in with somebody when i can’t even bring anything to the table, literally and figuratively.

he said he couldn’t cook either. said that it would be fun to learn together. you know, make it an adventure. he made it sound so much fun. of course i fell for it.

boy, was i in for a big surprise: THE DUDE CAN COOK!

and i’m not talking scrambled-eggs-on-toast-with-maybe-a-bit-of-tomato-on-the-side-to-make-it-look-gourmet kind of cook.

i’m talking about this:

jeff cookingjeff cooking

for the last couple of weeks jeff has been cooking dinner for us. one year of eating my monggos and dinuldog and he’s probably had enough. can’t blame him. there’s only so much a person can take eating pumpkin soup, even if you’re filo as.

jeff cooking

he says it’s kind of like a date. him and me in the kitchen. hell, he says it’s even better than going out to eat at restaurants. plus, it’s waaaay so much cheaper too, he says. he did the math and according to his computation, i eat like a pig wherever anyways so might as well take the most cost-effective route. win-win.

i don’t mind. to be honest, i’d rather really just stay at home most of the time. because it fucking takes so much effort for me to look human for public consumption that i’d really rather just netflix and chill. (and by “chill,” i mean zzzzz…)

and besides, as his sous chef, i’m learning a lot from him.

sous chef.

such a fancy name for somebody who washes the dishes and operates his industrial fan blower when the fire alarm goes off. but i’m starting to earn his trust, i noticed. because he now delegates to me the most crucial task:

breading the meat.

mind you, it can make or break the whole entire dish. i’m dead serious. if you can’t even do it properly, then you have no right touching the holy flour sprinkled with jeff’s secret blend of herbs and spices. i’m not laughing. (what, you think this is some kind of a joke?)

and when he feels like it, he promotes me to food taster too. my most favorite job of all. except that he has to guard the rest of the food like a maximum security prison officer for fear that i’d eat it all. which i’m not saying i won’t. there’s always something exciting about prisonbreak. before you found out wentworth miller was actually gay.

anyhow, there’s this quote saying:

“a wife has to be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen, and a whore in the bedroom.”

obviously, a cook in the kitchen is already out of the equation which leaves me as… well, let’s just say, a whore in the living room. because i daresay i turn the heat up there pretty quick.

not to brag but i can work the heater like a motha’.

while jeff works like a motha’ to pay for the gas bills.

p.s. he makes some mean lamb biryani! holler and i’ll hook you up.

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15 thoughts on “if you notice me getting fat, shut up and silently blame jeff.

  1. Jeff can cook :’D All that food…I am speechless. Food everywhere, all the time 😀

    I am like you. I’d rather cook and stay at home than go out. As you said, it’s soooo much effort to get ready and dress and grab your phone and pack your bag and find out how to get where you want…..might as well chill at home over the frying pan.

    Breading can make or break a dish? I always thought it was just whipping the meat round and round the bread crumb until you cannot see the meat 😀

    As for Prison Break, I loved that series when it came out and watched it all heart. I feel you when word came out that Wentworth was gay 😀

    • hahaha. take the breading issue with a grain of salt. i’m just trying to beef up my role to make it seem important. =p

      hey, you’re still young, mabel. go out there and party! hehehe. you seem like a really nice and down-to-earth gal. i reckon girls like you are the kind a lot of guys are looking for, but can’t ‘coz you’re all at home chillin’over the frying pan.

      yes, wentworth being gay kind of broke my heart. i was practically in love with him. his eyes were intense! plus, it was a very good series. loved the story and the characters.

      • Hahaha. If you don’t bread the meat enough, it won’t be crispy enough! And to get enough crumbs on it, you have to make sure there is enough egg coating (or the glue that you use to make the crumbs stick…) So, your role is actually very important 😀

        Lol. I’m getting older…thinking about buying property and being an adult for real. All while leaning to cook. You are still young too, Jewey. And you know, who says you can’t party at home 😀

        Prison Break is coming back for a 5th season, did you know? 😀

        • yeah, i kind of heard about it but i’m not sure if i can still keep up with tv series, though. that’s the problem. the last couple of years i have just been watching movies or documentaries that i can watch in one sitting.

          thanks for justifying my role in breading for me. lol. never really thought of them. i feel so enlightened now. damn, i’m freaking indispensable! lol.

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