I always thought i’d hook up with either a vet or a photographer. Fate granted me the latter and now that i’m about to be married to one, i can’t help but share what it’s like to actually live with one.
So allow me to share with you this list i compiled out of the blue. To be safe, they’re pretty much tongue-in-cheek but that’s just me being politically correct about it.
Also, if you’re wondering why i’m suddenly using capital letters at the start of every sentence (like they’re supposed to) when this blog is riddled with, well, none, that’s because i’m blogging from my phone. The first time i’ve ever done so. So help me god.
Okay, here we go: (or “gor” as they say it here in australia.)
1. Be prepared to listen about all the latest photography gadgets and equipment and hear them ramble on and on about specs you have zero idea about. I repeat, zero.
More importantly, be prepared to give a very convincing answer composed of polite bluffs interspersed with technical terms you vaguely heard them say during their monologue once they start to ask, “so, what do you think?”
2. In line with the above, make sure your got your poker face pat down when they follow up that question with, “can i buy it?”
Of course, they can. They know they can but at the same time, they kind of want some sort of go-signal from you. You may or may not give them the pleasure depending on the gravity of your reasons but either way, try to be sweet about it. Especially when you deny their request. Otherwise, they’ll present a whole list of argument as to why they should (refer to the monologue in number 1) and that you’re indirectly stunting their growth in becoming the best photographer in the world next to (insert their man crush’s name here whose tech blogs and vlogs they stalk with the dedication and single-mindedness of a serial killer.)
3. By default, you become their model. More like practice models, if we have to be brutally honest about it. And whether you like it or not is something you have to deal. Be grateful. These dudes can have very high standards but they chose to settle with you. Be proud. Own it. While it lasts. *Evil laugh*
4. On the bright side, you get a lot of professional-looking photos of you standing against a really awesome background. Or it could be just a tree with the occasional rubbish bin beside it but with the right lens, they end up professional-looking as hell anyway. (An 85mm lens, perhaps?) Street couture, if you could call it that.
On the flip side, what good are professional-looking photos on those days when you feel like you look like you just got hit by a truck? Twice.
As a consolation (because they’re sympathetic like that), they’ll tell you the look in your eyes captures the REAL you that they might claim they love. (In my case, i almost always look stoned.) And “damn, doesn’t this lens take very sharp images?!” they might ask before they proceed to kissing their camera bodies and sniffing their lenses like a proud and satisfied hound dog.
5. Expect to carry a 2kg camera body with a 4kg lens attached. Next to your bony arms, they look like a fcking bazooka. And you’re that frail little asthmatic soldier who got drafted into the war because the country ran out of better men.
That contraption will be hanging on your neck the whole time too. Either for safekeeping, or for impromptu photoshoots where you automatically take on the role of assistant photographer. Times like that, you wish with all your might you listened more intently to their photography 101 lectures.
(Unfortunately, you won’t develop your biceps. What i can guarantee you, though, is this little injury called a wrist strain? Nothing major. Just a bit of an annoying muscle sore that can last up to 2-3 days.)
6. Speaking of lectures, some of your silliest arguments may revolve around apertures, iso, and shutter speed. In particular, why you still can’t seem to grasp the whole entire concept after they had explained it to you a million gajillion bajillion times. (Nevermind that the whole time they were in the heat of the moment passionately explaining theories, they failed to notice you looking like a deer in the headlights.)
7. They can be very forgiving with the whole waiting game. Because while you’re busy taking your sweet time choosing which eyeshadow color you wanna use for the day, they’re busy debating within themselves which camera to bring and preparing the batteries and the lens and the flash and the tripod and the slider and the gimbal. Oh, and the quadcopter too, just in case.
8. Be prepared to sit alone and mingle with yourself at parties. It could be their friends’ parties but more often than not, they’ll show up as if they’re the official photograper rather than just, you know, a friend. So if you’re the party animal who thrives in dancing with strangers while your guy is busy taking pictures of everybody, good on ya!
But if not, you better learn to camouflage seamlessly with the wall. (Personally, if there’s one thing i’m really really good at, it’s blending right in. With the wall. Or into the chair. Or wherever it is i’m on. It’s fcking magic!)
9. Unless they’re narcissists (which they rarely are), they won’t have a lot of pictures of them. Which is sad, i think, because majority of the time they’d rather be behind the lens.
10. They teach you about moments. Because as photographers, they know how fleeting it is. And so they are more appreciative of it. And also more observant.
It might seem ridiculous if they stop you in the middle of your walks just to ask you to look at the bark of a tree because of its amazing texture. The beauty of the flowers that grow on weeds. The bull ants crawling on the ground. Even capturing the slow death of the bee that stung you, offering it words of comfort for its impending demise while you silently nurse your pain and monitor your breathing for any signs of anaphylactic reaction.
As quirky as they can be, they can be such a lovable bunch. I’m lucky to have found such an amazing guy. Who, coincidentally, just happens to take photos for a living.
Holler to those who can relate! =)