what would you do if you weren’t afraid?

i’ll be the first to admit: i’m a chicken.

but with my dizzying array of reasonable excuses, it can be pretty hard to distinguish where the truth ends and where the bullshit begins because i can be very good at painting psychoanalytic theories and weaving them seamlessly into my stories.

but then again, my reasons are legit, though. like, i could tell you right now that the main reason i don’t let jeff convince me to go into skating is because i don’t wanna break a limb which means i can’t go to work which means we’re gonna be f%cked and you’d be sitting there across from me nodding your head in total agreement because let’s face it, it is a valid argument.

but what you probably won’t know which i know but probably won’t wanna tell you is that i’m also scared.

for all my rebellious phases, i’m actually what you would like to sarcastically describe as “goody-two-shoes.” i like rules. i like having a definite formula to work on. i like to know what happens next. i calculate risks.

it’s good but it’s bad at the same time. because that means i try to avoid failure as much as i can. and when i find that i haven’t lived up to my own standards, i beat myself for it. for days. but then somehow i always manage to bounce back. that’s the best thing about being an introvert. you become really good at being your own cheerleader that you don’t really need other people to pick you up from the dumps you allowed yourself to fall into.

with all these blabbing, i guess my point is, today i took a risk. nothing major: i scooter-ed down a ramp — and i can’t believe i’m saying this, but — I ACTUALLY ENJOYED IT! i mean, sure, i was quite hesitant on the first go and already my mind wandered way ahead of me with thoughts of cerebral concussion but then i calmed myself down. became my own therapist and asked myself,


so i cancelled fear out from the equation and just totally went for it. i’m so glad i did.

it’s nice to just go with the flow once in a while and not have to have control over every single thing. that’s what coming down the slopes was for me — that initial fear locking you in the moment before the rush of exhilaration of letting go.

maybe that’s what freedom is all about.

this video is actually in reverse. at the start, you see me having a great time but in the end, that was me doing my first couple of runs down a ramp that was probably designated for toddlers. jeff egged me to try the higher slopes but i couldn’t do it yet.

maybe next time.

jeff’s really good at skating. it made me proud watching him go what he called “the snake trail” or whatever before finishing off with an acrobatic move but to be honest, i find it hard to watch him do all the stunts he likes to do. i’m too emotionally invested. i get scared for him. every time he posts videos of himself doing something i deem crazy, i make a mental note to take out an ambulance victoria membership on top of the one our private insurance provides just in case the latter doesn’t follow through.

but like i said, he’s really good at it. i just don’t tell him as often as i should because he knows it and he never fails to remind me of how good he is. i don’t want him getting any more cockier than he already is. lol.

oh, and my scooter? he got it for me so raven and i can scooter together. seven bucks from the op shop, which was very sweet of him. add those boots for $3, what more can a woman ask for?!


*raven at 2 years old

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