for the first time after so many missed sunday obligations,
i finally found the time to force myself to get out of bed and go to church,
although the word “force” may be too strong a word to capture what i really mean.
and what i really mean is, i did want to go.
it’s like going to work.
you just gotta.

sitting there on the last bench of the small church’s west wing,
i listened silently.
sat patiently.
trying hard not to allow myself to get lost in my thoughts again,
like i always do when i’m in a passive mode.
and then there’s the gospel reading.
and the words “i ask mercy, not sacrifice,”
or something to that effect.
something Jesus supposedly said ages ago.
and i left the church wondering what he could possibly mean by that.
what exactly he meant when he said that.

and once again, i found myself sitting patiently.
this time, on the driver’s seat.
waiting for the other cars to move out.
watching one tall, sophisticated-looking lady stall her car twice,
and feeling a certain pride that i may not be such a bad driver, after all.
observing people from different walks of life walking before me.
going somewhere.
while i contemplated on going on a joyride.
just driving. driving. to nowhere.
but then i thought about the price of gas these days.
bummer.

on the drive home, i couldn’t help but feel this sense of emptiness.
like something in my life is missing.
and to think i am blessed enough already.
but still.
and then this song played.
a forgotten song from a forgotten CD that i mindlessly inserted into the car’s CD player.
a song that reverberates the very words i desperately needed at that moment,
as i was void of words.
silently speechless.
but very emotional, as i felt like crying.

thank God for lifehouse.